


Suga's Saga

by nightshade_19



Series: Sad Setter Stories [2]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: ALL THE ANGST, Angst, Bullying, Dark-ish, First Year!Third Years, Homophobia, M/M, Unfinished pending rewrite
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-14
Updated: 2016-11-07
Packaged: 2018-08-08 16:53:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 18,085
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7765747
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nightshade_19/pseuds/nightshade_19
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A sequel/prequel/companion to What Did I Do?</p><p>It's Sugawara's high school debut, he's moved prefectures in order to get a fresh start and is determined to avoid the mistakes he made in middle school. With new friends and a new club he thinks maybe he might have succeeded, but he won't be able to hide forever. How will he cope when his shameful secret is discovered?<br/>====================<br/>UPDATE: see the final "chapter" for info</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. First Day of School

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone, I'm back with my new fic!!!
> 
> I am uber excited for this, and it's probably going to be longer (and hopefully better) than What Did I Do?  
> First of all, heads up: Tags are subject to addition/change as I update in order to prevent spoilers. Trust me, there's gonna be a LOT more tags when this is done :P  
> Secondly, you may notice I am now using Suga rather than Sugawara - I just am, sorry if it annoys you but the other way was honestly starting to annoy me.  
> If you haven't read What Did I Do? it probably won't be an issue until they all reach third year - then you're might not understand what's happening, but you do you, read them however you want :)  
> Also, this is a bit shorter than my typical updates, this is just the kind of prologue/intro thing :D
> 
> I hope you enjoy, this really is going to be a saga,
> 
> nightshade

               Suga walked through the school gates, trying not to be bustled by any of the dozens of other students walking past. He stood still, looking up at the school buildings as the sea of students continued to flow around him, paying him no heed. He fiddled with the collar of his gakuran, unused to the new uniform, before walking further into the school, looking around for some sign as to where he should go. Most of the students already seemed to have an idea of where they were going, returning students already well versed with the school’s layout and most of the other new first years at least partially acquainted with the campus from either older siblings or from when they applied to attend.

                He anxiously looked around, trying to spot a fellow first year he could follow. Having given his application at the last minute, he’d not had the time to visit the school beforehand and had no idea where he was supposed to be going for the opening ceremony. Soon enough the throng of students seemed to thin out, and Suga was able to latch on to a small group of first year girls who seemed to know where they were going. Entering what appeared to be a large gym, now filled with rows of chairs, he took a seat towards the back. He didn’t have to wait long for the ceremony to start, being one of the last students to arrive.

                As he surveyed the hall of new students from the back of the room, only half paying attention to the principal’s address, he began to feel uncomfortable. He was in a new town, at a new school – everybody else seemed to already know people from middle school and he didn’t want to spend the first few months of school without anyone to talk to. _Calm down Koushi_ , he schooled himself, _You can’t be the only student from out of town, look at how many students are here. Besides, even if they do have friends from middle school, that doesn’t mean anything. You’re nice, and kind, and you can be a good listener – you’ll make friends in no time_.

                By the end of the ceremony he’d managed to calm down a little, filing up with his newly assigned class, looking around nervously at the people next to him, wondering if any of these strangers would soon be his friends. _Just... just don’t do what you did last time. This is a fresh start – don’t screw it up!_ The students walked back towards their new classrooms, led by their respective teachers. The first day was not much of an issue, there were no real classes just sorting out everyone’s timetables and taking care of all the various administrative affairs. At lunch you could already see who knew who by the groups that would form, but Suga was quietly thankful to see that he wasn’t the only one to be left sitting alone.

                Before the end of school they were all reminded that club recruitment would be starting tomorrow, and would run until the end of the week. _A club?_ Suga wondered as he began walking home, dozens of students flowing out of the school gates every second, streaming out in all directions. After a few minutes he was the only one left walking this direction, all the others having already branched off their own ways. _Maybe I should join a club?_ he thought to himself tentatively, _But I don’t want to draw too much attention, do I? That could be bad..._

                When he got home his parents were still out, a note on the table telling him that dinner was in the fridge and they wouldn’t be home until late. Suga felt guilty, they were out settling into their new jobs, having both transferred to a different prefecture and moved house, just so he could go to a new school. He felt bad that he’d caused so much trouble, but he was still glad they’d agreed – he didn’t want to imagine what high school might have been like otherwise.

                Sticking the plate of curry in the microwave, he waited for it to heat up before taking it up to his room, setting in down on his desk along with a wad of flyers the different clubs had been passing out by the school gates as everyone left. His room was still a bit cluttered. Most stuff had been unpacked, but a few boxes still remained in the corner, but half of what had been unpacked had been done so haphazardly in a rush to get ready for school. Taking a careful mouthful of curry, wincing a little when it burnt his tongue a little, he began methodically leafing through the flyers.

                Chess, no, debate, no, gardening, no, calligraphy... Suga looked at the flyer, interested but reluctantly putting it to the side, _No, it might seem too girly_ , he thought sadly, the next flyer being or the volleyball club. _Sports?_ he thought curiously, _That should be fine right, this even says I don’t need any experience_. He put the flyer to the side for further consideration, separating out all the other sports flyers as well. He’d never been much of a sporty person, but perhaps that was the exact reason he should join one, sports were manly right? _It could be fun?_ He hoped optimistically, flicking through them all again.

                Noise from downstairs distracted him and he put the flyers down. Looking up at the time, he saw it was already quite late, so he went downstairs and greeted his parents before quickly showering and going to bed. He could tell his parents had wanted to ask him how school had been, but he didn’t really want to say anything yet, instead deciding to wait a little while before coming to an opinion. Although really, as long as he didn’t do anything stupid, it should be fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I may update a this a bit more frequently than scheduled at first, just to get us going, but I definitely will update on Sundays and Wednesdays regardless.
> 
> P.S. Talk to me on tumblr if you want <3  
> http://nightshade--19.tumblr.com/


	2. Joining A Club

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woop woop, it's chapter two!  
> Suga joins the volleyball club and makes some new acquaintances :D (And those named characters totally won't be relevant at all, I'm sure you can just forget about them completely)  
> You can also probably expect another chapter maybe Friday, because I feel the need to write more of this :P
> 
> Thanks for reading,
> 
> nightshade

                Suga cautiously looked out the open door of the school building, spotting the gym where they’d held the opening ceremony at the start of the week. A crinkled flyer was in his hand, one of the recruitment flyers the volleyball team manager had been handing out at the school entrance all week. He’d decided that he wanted to join the club, of all the sports clubs, volleyball seemed the best choice. On the surface the sport didn’t look too hard, and it was on of the few clubs that didn’t seem to mind if you didn’t have any prior experience. He’d been a little worried when he found out there was also a girls team (maybe it was a girly sport, did that exist?), but the flyer said that the team won competitions and stuff, so that had to count for something, right?

                Loud cackling and footsteps came from around the corner of the building, Suga reflexively ducking back inside the door as a group of older students walked past, heading into the gym. _Are they on the volleyball team?_ Suga wondered, a little intimidated. He almost jumped when he heard a voice behind him as he stood peering around the door curiously at the gym across the way.

                “Um, are you joining the volleyball club too?” Suga turned to come face to face with some kind of delinquent. Even though his uniform denoted him a first year, he looked way older and sported facial hair that would make any of the third years envious. Suga’s eyes widened in panic, not sure what this stranger wanted.

                “I was, uh, maybe thinking about it – I don’t know,” he answered noncommittally.

                “Really, have you played volleyball before?” another voice asked. Suga looked next to the monster who’d been taking up most of his attention to notice another first year boy, significantly less intimidating than the first, but Suga suspected he probably could be if he wanted to.

                “Oh, well that doesn’t matter,” the boy continued when Suga shook his head in the negative, still a little uncomfortable by the attention these strangers were giving him, even if they did both seem to be smiling happily at him. “It’s a fun sport, I’m sure you’ll enjoy it if you do decide to join,”

                “Are you in the volleyball club?” Suga asked tentatively, wondering why this guy seemed to care so much about some sports club.

                “Well, we were planning on it,” he replied cheerfully, holding out his own copy of the recruitment flyer, “I’m Sawamura Daichi, and that’s Azumane Asahi,” Daichi introduced himself, as well as the other boy who just waved shyly with his name, “We were on our way to the gym just now. You can join us if you like,”

                “Um, I’m still not sure it’s really for me,” Suga answered, determination faltering under the presence of this charismatic and enthusiastic Sawamura Daichi. It almost seemed insulting to join the club when there were people like him who actually really cared about and loved the sport.

                “Oh, um, that’s okay, if you don’t think it’s for you,” Daichi said, tone sounding a little defeated, “But I hope you change your mind – volleyball’s a lot of fun,” He turned and began walking out the door, Asahi joining him him, looking back at Suga apologetically, almost as if he were asking forgiveness for Daichi’s over enthusiasm on his behalf. Suga wrung his hands for a moment before calling after him on an impulse,

                “Do you think maybe, they have a trial period?” Daichi turned around with a beam, seemingly happy Suga had changed his mind, at least a little.

                “I don’t know, but we could ask,” he suggested, “Besides, I’m sure once you start playing you’ll catch the bug and won’t be able to stop anyway,” Suga gave a small smile to the cheery boy, walking over to join the two before all three of them headed into the gym together.

 

                *******

 

                “When I stand in front of you, state your name, class and position,” the coach said. Apparently, this Coach Ukai was some great volleyball coach, even though he looked like he was old enough to be in a retirement village. Although at the same time, he spoke with enough volume and force that Suga wondered if perhaps he wasn’t as old as he looked.

                 “Takahashi Raiden, Class 3-C, captain and wing spiker,” the first of the boys in the line declared as the old man stood in front of him before swiftly stepping forward so as to be in front of the next in line,

                “Kurosawa Tetsuya, Class 3-E, setter,” stated the next boy, team members continuing to announce themselves as the coach moved down the line, soon making it through the second years and then stopping in front of the first years. There were only the three of them at this point, Daichi, Asahi and Suga, were apparently the only first years seeking to join the club.

                “Sawamura Daichi, Class 1-A, wing spiker,” Daichi announced eagerly, the coach looking at him appraisingly before moving onto the next in line, being Asahi.

                “Um, Azumane Asahi, Class 1-C, wing spiker,” he states, voice wobbling a little at first under the coach’s keen eyes. At last he moved to Suga at the end of the line, who had been waiting apprehensively, considering up until now the potential for just running out of the gym, but realising that wasn’t really an option any more as the coach stepped in front of him. He’d been hoping there would be more first years, maybe others who also hadn’t played before. Everyone here seemed really serious.

                “Sugawara Koushi, Class 1-B,” Suga started, realising he hadn’t even told Asahi and Daichi his name yet, “Um, I, don’t really know what the positions are... the flyer said you didn’t have to have prior experience,” he muttered in embarrassment as a few of the second years snickered until the coach flung them a venomous glare, causing them to quickly calm themselves and stand up even straighter than before.

                “That’s fine, if you’re willing to work hard, I’m sure we can find a place for you,” the coach said, turning back to Suga. He hadn’t been kicked out, but he couldn’t help but feel that despite what the flyer had said, experience was preferred. It seemed that practice had already finished for the day when they had arrived, the coach wanting to wait until he knew how many new members he was getting before returning to the normal practice schedule.

                Suga walked out of the gym, trying to avoid accidentally brushing one of the second or third years as they rushed past him in their haste to enjoy their last day free of practice. He looked up from the ground when he felt a presence next to him, seeing Daichi and Asahi walking next to him.

                “So, what did you think?” Daichi asked, “I can’t wait until practice starts – I always wondered what it would be like to play on a proper high school team,” Suga honestly wasn’t as thrilled about the whole affair as Daichi seemed to be. He was seriously considering just never showing up again, but it was probably too late to join any other club so he wasn’t sure he had a choice.

                “Um, I think I’ll stick with it, for now,” Suga replied cautiously, “I guess I won’t really know until after we start practising – I might not be very good at it,”

                “I’m sure you’ll do fine,” Daichi reassured him, “What sports did you play in middle school? I’m sure it won’t be that different,”

                “I, uh, didn’t really play any sports in middle school, I’m not really much of a sports person...” Suga mumbled.

                “Then why do you want to join the volleyball team?” Asahi asked curiously

                “Um, I just wanted to. You know, to change things up a bit I guess?” Suga explained lamely, hoping they would drop the subject. Asahi seemed to realise he’d said something to upset Suga, although he wasn’t entirely sure what, so didn’t try and pursue the topic. Instead they just walked to the school gates, each walking off their own way.

                As Suga walked home, he thought about Daichi and the volleyball club. He’d decided to join the club, and he had. Now he just had to stick with it, as long as he kept trying it should be fine. He didn’t need to be the best player on the team, he just had to be convincing enough that no one questioned him. _Maybe I should try to be more like Daichi_ , he thought to himself wistfully, before almost snorting out loud at the absurdity, there was no way he could be anything like him. He seemed cheerful, enthusiastic about volleyball, he already seemed to have friends – although maybe he and Asahi just went to the same middle school or something? He seemed like the perfect guy – athletic, charismatic... handsome.

                _Stop_ , Suga scolded himself, _You haven’t even been here a week yet and you’re already starting to screw it up_. He’d been thinking maybe if he hung around Daichi, that would be enough, but maybe that would end up being even more dangerous in the long run. Suga sighed, there probably wasn’t any way to avoid him, now that they were in the same club. He just had to make sure he didn’t do anything stupid.


	3. First Morning Practice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey hey everyone,
> 
> I'm back with another chapter! Next chapter I hope to get a bit more into character development and backgrounds, this chapter is all about setting the stage for all the plot and angst and such that will ensue in this arc (that's right bitches, there's gonna be three whole arcs! (°o°) I know)
> 
> Hope you enjoy,
> 
> nightshade

                Suga had gone out that weekend to a local sports store, buying everything he thought he might need to be a part of the volleyball club. He bought a pair of those special shoes, a pair of knee pads and everything else the sales assistant told him he would definitely need. He had a feeling he’d been sold a bit more than necessary, but since he had no idea what he needed to begin with he thought it better to have it and not need it than need it and not have it. Even if it did cost him all of his saved up pocket money.

                He was up just after dawn on Monday morning, earlier than even his parents normally got up. He went downstairs and ate a quick breakfast, just a bowl of cereal and milk, before grabbing his bag sat by the door, already packed and set out the previous night. There was no way he was going to let himself make a bad impression on the first day if he could help it. And indeed, everything had seemed fine at first – he had arrived relatively early, walking up about the same time as Daichi who seemed more eager than anyone else there. Asahi arrived a little later, still looking half asleep but still giving a small smile to the two as he approached them. Daichi and Asahi chatted about something for a few minutes, Suga to nervous to pay any attention to what they were actually saying. Soon enough the coach called the team into the gym and began leading them through stretches, paying close attention to the first years lest the fail to warm up properly.

                Suga tried to follow along with the others, even Daichi and Asahi, who all seemed to have carried out the same fluid motions before, body stuttering along as he found the rest of the team already changing positions by the time he’d figured out the previous one. To his mortification, Daichi offered to help, positioning his arms and legs for him while he desperately hoped his face wasn’t as red as he thought it was. He’d thought it would take forever for the burning hand prints where Daichi had touched him so boldly to fade from sensation, but he soon found it difficult to feel anything after practice properly began.

                It seemed the coach wasn’t holding anything back, wanting to get his team into tip top shape again after their presumably lax holiday. Suga had never pushed himself so hard in his whole life. Despite his legs burning, throat raw as he tried to suck in ever more cold morning air, he failed to even keep up with the rest of the team as they ran laps, almost sobbing when the front runners managed to lap him. Only once the coach called for an end to the laps did Suga allow himself to stop, almost wishing he hadn’t. His legs almost collapsed underneath him as soon as he gave them permission to stop relentlessly moving forward. His head felt fuzzy as he continued to gasp like a fish out of water. Daichi and Asahi jogged over to him to see if he was okay, Suga struggling to give a watery smile before coughing violently as he tried to catch his breath.

                _How are they even standing?_ Suga wondered hopelessly as he looked at the other two first years, _They barely look puffed – I feel like I’m about to melt into a pile of sludge!_ He managed to drag himself across the field into the gym as the others began more drills. Suga looked in absolute terror as they began doing crunches at breakneck speed for minute long intervals. Just watching them made the muscles in his stomach clench in agony. At least that was what he thought it was until he suddenly propelled himself to the door, barely making it in time to puke up his entire breakfast with a generous helping of bile and stomach acid burning his already hoarse throat. He stood there, hands braced against his knees, strings of saliva still dripping down from his open mouth as fought back against the waves of nausea, succumbing another two times before he had nothing left to throw up.

                Daichi had rushed over once he’d seen Suga lurch out of the gym, soon sent back inside to continue with the others by the coach. Coach Ukai stood behind Suga, patiently waiting for him to stop retching and to catch his breath before speaking.

                “This is only the first day you know, you could just quit...” he pointed out calmly while Suga just remained bent over, silent except for rasping breaths. “You’re done for today, there’s no point in running yourself into the ground for nothing,” he walked back inside, leaving Suga there.

                Suga collapsed back to the ground, careful to avoid flopping down into the puddle of his own vomit, nose rankling at the harsh smell, the acidic taste of bile still coating his mouth. As his breath finally started to come back to him, the film of sweat covering his body rapidly cooling, he reluctantly rolled onto his side, pushing himself up onto wobbly legs. Walking over to the nearest set of taps, he sucked up a few mouthfuls of water, wincing as he swallowed, before splashing his face repeatedly in an attempt to calm his overexerted body. He managed to get back to the club room, slowly climbing each step one at a time, changing back into his school uniform and cringing at the thin layer of sweat still coating his body as it made his uniform cling to his skin uncomfortably.

                He sat in the cool, dim room, slowly waiting for feeling to return to his legs, and then wishing that it hadn’t. By the time the rest of the team returned to get changed themselves, they seemed considerably less energetic – although still looking like they were feeling much better than Suga. The third years were the first to arrive, and Suga couldn’t help but overhear whispered snippets of their conversations.

                “Did’ya see that pile of puke?” one of them snorted, Suga didn’t recognise his voice and he was too tired to bother looking around to see if he could tell which one was speaking.

                “What do you expect? Wimp looks like he’d never run a mile in his life,” another mocked in reply. _Taka-something_ , Suga thought miserably, _The captain, I think?_ He should have known, even if he tried to be like the other boys, he wasn’t. He wasn’t going to fool anyone, it would just be a matter of time until they found out and ostracised him, just like in middle school. He almost wanted to cry, but knew better than to do that in front of others.

                Daichi and Asahi were two of the last to come in, most of the third years having already left. They seemed quite tired themselves, but were still somehow able to chat amiably between themselves as they walked back up to the club room. When they saw Suga still sat in the corner they came over to check on him.

                “Uh, are you okay?” Asahi asked tentatively, noticing the boy was still covered in a sheen of sweat.

                “Yeah, you’re still new at this – you shouldn’t push yourself so hard,” Daichi counselled, voice laced with what sounded like guilt, “You know, if you don’t want to do this that’s fine. Maybe I made it sound a bit easier than it was, I didn’t realise-“ Suga raised his hand, softly chopping the boy in the torso, the only reaction he was able to elicit was confusion.

                “Don’t worry,” Suga mumbled, “I’ll be fine, I’ve just- I’ve just gotta catch my breath,” The two boys looked at each other dubiously, but left Suga to his own devices as they still needed to change themselves. Helping haul him to his feet before they left, Suga stumbled out of the room after them, muscles still aching and not sure how he could be expected to pay attention in class after the morning he’d had. _Maybe I should just quit? Even Daichi seemed to think so..._ Suga thought glumly as he parted ways with the other two boys to go into his own class, taking his seat at the front of the room.


	4. Optimism or False Hope

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello : )
> 
> Here is chapter four, with more character interactions. We didn't really get any backgrounds, I'm sure it'll come in more in later chapters as they all become closer.
> 
> Thanks for reading,
> 
> nightshade

                Classes were a nightmare, it was only the second week and already Suga was getting left behind. His head felt like it was full of rocks, and his limbs were so lethargic it felt like he was moving through treacle. He struggled to write even basic notes, provided he’d even managed to focus on the teacher long enough to understand something they’d said. The early morning, the loss of his breakfast and the physical exhaustion were taking their toll. At one point the class changed from Japanese to mathematics, but he wasn’t really sure when.

                He was suddenly startled, finding his head laying on his desk, a small trickle of drool leaving his cheek damp. Suga surrepticiously wiped his cheeks, removing most of the drool, taking a moment to realise he’d fallen asleep in class. If he weren’t so spent he would be embarrassed. Hearing the shuffling chairs, and low murmur of chatting, he figured that it had been the lunch bell that disturbed him. Realising he could now return to sleeping without getting in trouble, it didn’t take more than a moment for his heavy eyelids to fall shut again, dulling the ache that somehow seemed to permeate his entire body with a drowsy nap.

                Daichi rushed along the corridors as fast as he could without running, or risking bumping into anyone, trying to remember which classroom Suga was in. Spotting his pale hair from the open class door, Daichi tentatively walked into the classroom, approaching Suga’s desk. None of the other students really paid him any attention, more concerned with their own meals or conversations to worry about him. Once he realised that Suga was asleep, Daichi turned to leave, figuring it best to not disturb the exhausted boy. It was at that point though the atmosphere in the room dropped noticeably, and hissed whispering filled the room.

                Standing at the door was Asahi, anxiously looking into the classroom where Daichi and Suga were standing, clearly wanting to come in, but fearfully looking at the murmuring students looking at him with distrust. Swallowing his worries, Asahi stepped into the room, rushing over to Daichi, while trying to look as non-threatening as possible.

                “Daichi,” Asahi greeted meekly, “Y-you weren’t in your classroom,” He nervously looked around at the other students. Most seemed to have gone back to what they were doing, but a number still gave him a suspicious sideways glance every now and again.

                “Shh,” Daichi hushed, “I came to check on Sugawara, but he’s asleep,” Both boys looked at Suga tensely when he started stirring. He lifted his head from his desk, bleary eyes trying to focus on whoever was standing in front of him.

                “Hello?” he muttered in a drowsy voice.

                “Ah, sorry!” Asahi yelped apologetically, nervously waving his hands in front of himself.

                “Sorry Sugawara, we didn’t mean to disturb you,” Daichi tried to explain, “We’ll, uh, we’ll just go,”

                “Daichi?” Suga mumbled, eyes suddenly focusing as his brain figured out what was going on, “Ah, sorry, I meant Sawamura-san! Um, sorry, was there something I can help you with?”

                “D-Daichi is fine,” Daichi said lamely, looking a little flustered, “No, I, uh, _we_ just came to check up on you – you know, after what happened at practice this morning. We didn’t mean to wake you...”

                “We should probably let you  get some rest,” Asahi interjected, after Daichi awkwardly trailed off, not really sure what else to say.

                “No, um, do you want to maybe have lunch together?” Suga asked cautiously, before backtracking himself, “If you didn’t already have plans I mean! You don’t have to or anything, I just figured maybe it would be nice if we all ate together,”

                “Um, sure,” Daichi agreed, looking to Asahi for his opinion as well.

                “I have my lunch here,” Asahi pointed out, holding up a neatly tied bento, “I was actually just trying to find Daichi to see if he wanted to have lunch together, so I’d love to – you know, as long as it won’t be a problem,” He looked anxiously at the other students in the class, a few still giving him curious glances.

                “I don’t see why not,” Suga replied, oblivious to the attention the boy was receiving from his classmates.

                “Ah, my lunch is back in my classroom,” Daichi exclaimed, realising he’d left it behind when he’d gone to try and find Suga, “I’ll just go back and get it now,” he said, dashing out the door and back down the corridor. Suga smiled slightly at his antics. He was still a little tired, but his growling stomach reminded him most of his breakfast had ended up on the floor this morning, so he should probably eat something.

                Suga pulled out his own lunch as Asahi tried to drag a nearby chair over to his desk as inconspicuously as possible. An act which turned out to be an impossibility judging by the screeching noise the chair made across the floor, accompanied by a mortified blush across Asahi’s face when everyone in the room turned to look at him. Asahi began slowly picking at his pickled vegetables while waiting for his embarrassment to die down, soon taking notice at the speed at which Suga was downing mouthfuls of rice, meat and vegetable alike.

                “Be careful not to choke!” a concerned Asahi cautioned when Suga started spluttering as he tried to yawn and chew at the same time.

                “Don’t worry, I’m fine,” Suga replied with a grin after having properly swallowed his food, “I guess I’m just hungry,” he explained, “Besides, I’ll probably need all the energy I can get for this afternoon’s practice,” he continued before shovelling more food into his mouth, greedily eyeing the contents of Asahi’s own bento as he did so.

                “This afternoon?” Asahi asked in an uneasy tone, “I’m sure the coach would let you go home for today if you asked him, right?”

                “Hey, I’m back!” Daichi greeted them both, walking up with a bento in hand, grabbing a chair and pulling it over to Suga’s now slightly cramped desk, causing none of the fuss Asahi had earlier. “So, what were you talking about?”

                “Uh, I was just telling Sugawara-kun that the coach would probably let him go home if he asked. I mean, he wouldn’t make him do anymore after this morning, right?” Asahi informed Daichi, asking for his opinion.

                “Ah, you can just call me Suga if you want,” Suga offered, looking at Daichi as well so as to extend the offer to him too. Asahi returned the favour, saying Suga could call him by his given name as Daichi did.

                “I’m sure the coach would let you,” Daichi agreed, “I mean, he seemed concerned enough this morning. He almost sent one of the third years after you to make sure you hadn’t passed out somewhere,”

                “I-I can still go,” Suga interrupted, “I mean, I want to go,” Daichi and Asahi looked at each other with as slightly sad look on their faces. _They pity me_ , Suga thought to himself, _They don’t think I can do it – that I’m not as good as them_.

                “You don’t have to go though,” Daichi started, voice edged with guilt, “I know when we met I really kind of talked up volleyball, and I’m glad that you really gave it a try – although I guess we didn’t even get to the actual volleyball part,” he rambled, before continuing more clearly “What I’m trying to say is, you don’t have to join the volleyball club if you don’t want to – I don’t mind. Don’t force yourself or something,”

                “Oh,” Suga sighed sadly, “I see,”

                “We can still be friends and that,” Asahi tried to reassure him, Daichi nodding along,

               “Thanks,” Suga put on a watery smile for a moment, soon letting it drop, “But, um, I think I’ll still go for now. I mean, it was only the first day right – I’m sure it’ll get easier with time,” Daichi and Asahi tried to look optimistic, but after Suga’s completely disastrous performance this morning, they weren’t quite sure if it was anything more than false hope.

 

                *******

 

                The coach seems surprised when Suga shows up with the other two first years at practice that afternoon – even more so when he learns that he is not there to quit in person. Although Suga tries to steel himself with thoughts that it will get easier with time and practice, just remembering that morning alone makes he’s knees feel weak. Or perhaps it’s just the physical ache that’s still there and doesn’t seem like it’s going anywhere soon. _I’m going to have to walk home after this_ , Suga realises with dread, five minutes into some kind of hellish torture involving both squatting and star jumps.

               He just continues to repeat a mantra to himself. That this will get easier. He has to do this. This is what will save him, he’s just a normal guy, who plays sports with his guy friends. This is what that kind of person would do. Every day... Suga groans inwardly when the blow of a whistle signals he can stop, if only for a minute until the next exercise, oblivious to the concerned looks he’s getting from Daichi and Asahi, or the ones of disgust coming from the older players.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, for those who are interested, I should be posting the "epilogue" for What Did I Do sometime today *shifty eyes* *nervous sweats* *feels judging stares*


	5. A Week Goes By

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, hope you guys enjoy : )  
> I'm not sure if I like this chapter or not, but I'm thinking next chapter will be better. Let me know what you think?  
> (tw: homophobic slurs)
> 
> nightshade

                It hurts. Everything hurts. He’s never been so tired in his whole life. He’d thought maybe after the weekend he’d have recuperated a bit, so it wouldn’t be so bad, but it was only Tuesday morning and already Suga felt like as zombie. He was struggling to get by in classes, and thankfully everything so far had been revision as the teachers made sure all the students were at the same level. But that wouldn’t last forever, and Suga didn’t know what he’d do when he was already holding onto his passing grade by the skin of his teeth.

                He felt like his entire life was like that right now – him desperately gripping on for dear life as he dangled over some deep, jagged chasm. His hands beginning to  weaken, with no sign of help in sight. He didn’t even know why he was still hanging on any more – why not just let go? Fall back into the blissful darkness where he wouldn’t have to worry about it anymore. The only thing driving him was fear – fear that whatever was waiting for him in that darkness, waiting for him to give up, was far worse than what he was already going through.

               So Suga continued to run laps, trailing behind the others as his lead legs struggled to keep him upright. Do crunches, one after the other, even though each one made him feel like he was about to throw up. He lined up with the others for spiking practice, even though he hadn’t even managed to hit a single spike in the whole week he’d been there. As the shrill whistle marked his turn, he tried to shake out of his daze of fatigue and focus on the ball. As Kurosawa tossed the ball into the air, he jumped off the ground, mustering all the strength and resolve he had left in him.

                As if time had slowed, Suga saw the ball sweeping through the air and swung his arm to make contact, only for the ball to suddenly wobble in the air. His hand shot past, missing it’s target, the resulting momentum and the wave of despondency that rushed over him causing him to fall to the ground in a heap, too tired to get back up. He tried to push himself up, but only fell back to the ground when his arms gave out underneath him. The sound of quiet snickering reached his ears through the calls of the others.

                Suga managed to turn his head slightly to see Kurosawa standing there sneering at him, looking pleased with himself. Quickly, Suga averted his gaze, not like the shiver that ran down his spine as he looked up at the third year from the ground. Asahi was the first one to try and help him up, Daichi being on the other side of the court doing another set of exercises. Helping to his feet, Asahi led Suga over to a chair on the side of the gym, rushing to get him a hand towel.

                Dabbing the towel to his face, the still dazed Suga was confused by the red stains over the towel when Asahi removed it. The warm tickle in his nose made him realise it was blood – his nose was bleeding. Suga gingerly took the towel from Asahi’s hand, holding it back to his face as the coach came over to see what the problem was. He sent Asahi back to practice with the others, telling Suga to take the rest of the morning off and to go see the school nurse if his nose didn’t stop bleeding after a few minutes.

                Not even arguing at this point, Suga just rose on wobbly legs and made his way towards the gym doors, closing them behind him. He managed to get all the way to the club room before he collapsed in the corner, eyes prickling as hot tears began to trickle down his face, mixing with the dried blood and making a mess. It seems like only a minute or so passes, but soon Suga hears voices coming from the end of the building, growing in volume as they approach.

                It’s the third years, practice must already be over. Suga hastens to rein in his tears, rubbing his face vigorously with the towel, hoping they won’t be able to tell he was crying. He’s hoping they won’t even see him sitting in the corner, that they’ll just ignore him in favour of their own conversations and go on their way. Especially Kurosawa. Something about him just makes Suga feel sick in his stomach whenever he catches the older boy sneering at him.

                Kurosawa is the first one there, along with the captain Takahashi. They’re laughing about something when they walk in, Suga hoping for a moment that they haven’t seen him, only for his hopes to fall when Kurosawa looks his way and grins darkly.

                “Well, lookie here, if it ain’t the team crybaby,” he greets mockingly. Apparently he hadn’t cleaned his face well enough. He imagined he did look pathetic, huddled in the corner, tears and blood streaked down his face.

                “Don’t be so mean Kurosawa,” Takahashi said, voice dripping with sarcasm, “Poor baby’s never had to lift a finger before,” Kurosawa and one of the other third years snickered, the rest just going about their business as if nothing was happening. Suga didn’t know where Daichi or Asahi were, they hadn’t shown up yet.

                “Ugh, how can someone be so weak, it’s like playing with the girls’ team,” Kurosawa sneered in disgust, eliciting a few jeers from the others.

              “I’d like to see you take on Misaki-san,” Takahashi commented jokingly, “I bet she’d knock you down a peg or two,”

                “Any day,” Kurosawa retorted without pause, “Besides, you can’t blame me – any man’d get distracted be her jumping around,” he scoffed, making a bunch of suggestive motions with his chest, a few of the other boys laughing along with him. Suga tried to make himself as small as possible, hoping they’d forgotten about him, but Kurosawa turned his attention back to him.

                “What’s the matter, _baby_ , don’t agree?” he asked, challenge in his voice, “Perhaps that’s why you’re so weak, you a fag or something?” Suga’s blood ran cold as his whole body stiffened, terrified and unsure of how to respond. Thankfully at that moment the warning bell rung.

                “Come on Kurosawa, sensei’ll blow a fuse if you’re late _again_ ,” Takahashi warned him, filing out of the room with most of the others.

                “Yeah yeah, later _fag_ ,” Kurosawa goaded before slinging his bag oer his shoulder and following Takahashi out of the room. Suga fought to hold back tears, only able to hold on until everyone had left. He was terrified, _Does he know? Was it just an insult? A lucky guess?_ Suga shook in the corner as tears spilled out of his eyes, not even bothering to get ready for class. He doubted he could make it there on his own two legs at this point anyway.

                It was a few minutes before the bell signalling the start of classes, when Asahi and Daichi rushed up to the club room. The coach had kept them behind, talking to them about practice and how he wanted to integrate them into the team. Daichi had wanted to ask what he thought of Suga, but had been to nervous to, the coach intimidating even him.

                When they entered to grab their stuff, they didn’t even notice Suga, half hidden in the shadows, holding his breath thinking that the third years had come back. It was only when Daichi dropped his notebook and crouched down to pick it up did he come eye-to-eye with the silently sobbing Suga.


	6. What Weakness Is

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey peoples of the internets,
> 
> You know that feeling when you have a long day, come home and realise you still have to write a chapter for your fanfic. But then you sit down at your computer and realise past you was a genius and has already written the chapter. That's me right now :D
> 
> Hope you enjoy,
> 
> nightshade

                “Daichi, we’ll be late for class,” Asahi cautioned, already standing by the door waiting for the other boy to hurry up. He couldn’t see Suga, half hidden by the dim lighting and half hidden by Daichi.

                “Uh, go on without me,” Daichi called back, “I think I dropped a pen,” He began vaguely patting the floor around him. Asahi just shot him a vaguely worried look, before finally deciding to take Daichi’s advice and go on ahead. His home room teacher was scary, and he didn’t relish the thought of getting on his bad side already.

                Suga was confused. Daichi had clearly seen him, why was he lying to Asahi, telling him to leave. Was it so Asahi wouldn’t see him like this? What must Daichi think of him, he was so pathetic, sitting here in the corner crying.

                “Um, are you okay?” Daichi asked, voice cracking awkwardly midway through his question. He was still squatting a few feet away, roughly at the same eye level as Suga, blushing a little in embarrassment at his voice – not that Suga even cared, or realised. He just buried his face in his hands, trying to hide his shame from Daichi.

                “I-I’m fine,” he stammered, “You should probably go to class too,”

                “What about you? Aren’t you going to go to class?” Daichi retorted, leaning back on his haunches until he fell back into a seated position, leaving his knees drawn up towards his chest. Suga had hoped the boy would have taken the hint and left, he had no idea why he insisted on staying. Did he enjoy seeing him like this or something? He would’ve thought him too nice for something like that.

                “Is... Is this my fault?” Daichi asked in a pained voice, looking at Suga with a guilty expression.

                “What?” Suga replied, confused

                “I know when we met I was really enthusiastic about the volleyball team, and I kept asking you to join,” Daichi explained in an ashamed voice, as if he had somehow done something wrong. “I heard you’re not from around here, so you probably didn’t have any friends...” he said awkwardly, pausing hesitantly before blurting out, “I just didn’t want you to think I would only be your friend if you were in the volleyball club!”

                His face had gone a little red, apparently embarrassed by his outburst. Suga just looked at him, a little stunned. He hadn’t realised Daichi even considered them friends, he thought he just sort of let him hang around.

                “I- I didn’t realise...” Suga tried to say, Daichi just going even more red.

                “Hah, sorry, that was pretty stupid,” he tried to laugh awkwardly, “Of course you’re not on the volleyball club for something stupid like that,” he started to stand up, as if to leave, but Suga suddenly sprang forward and grabbed his wrist to stop him. Daichi looked back questioningly, while it was Suga’s turn to go red.

                “Are... Are we really friends?” Suga asked tentatively, not willing to look directly at Daichi while he asked, “Even though I’m so... weak,”

                “Weak?” Daichi asked incredulously, “How are you weak?” When Suga looked at Daichi without comprehension, he realised Suga really thought that. “How could someone weak jump head first into a competitive level training regime and manage to keep at with the tenacity you have?” Suga let out a painful little laugh,

                “What are you talking about, the coach had to give me only half the exercises everyone else had and I’m still failing at it,” he lamented

                “But you’re still there, twice a day,” Daichi argued back, a glimmer in his eye, “Even if you can barely move, you still show up and give it everything you have. How can any person like that ever be considered weak?”

                Suga started to feel miserable with himself. Daichi was here, saying all these nice things about him, but for some reason it just made him feel worse. Probably because he knew they weren’t true. It was easy for Daichi to say he tried, it was easy for him. He was strong, and fast and could do everything he couldn’t.

                “But even if I show up every day, I’ll never be good enough,” Suga whimpered, feeling tears prickling at the backs of his eyes again.

                “Of course you will,” Daichi tried to reassure him, confused by Suga’s insistent self-deprecation, “Um, I’ll even practice with you if you want?” Suga looked at him through bleary eyes. “I’ll run with you during laps, and help you with all the different stretches, and, uh, I’ll teach you all the different positions and stuff!” Daichi enthused, tacking on at the end, “I mean, Asahi too, of course,”

                “Really?” Suga asked hesitantly, still unsure. Maybe with Daichi and Asahi’s help he might get better. Maybe the third years would leave him alone, forget about Kurosawa’s derogatory comments before the continued and realised how close they were to the truth.

                “Sure,” Daichi beamed, standing up and pulling Suga up with him, “Now come on, or we’ll both be late for class,”

 

                *******

 

                That afternoon, true to his word, Daichi runs alongside Suga during the warm up laps, Asahi too, even if it means they take twice as long to finish them all. During drills, they all work together, Daichi re-positioning Suga’s body when he’s doing something incorrectly, helping to make it easier or less painful than the way he was doing it before. During their water break, Daichi starts to go over the basics of the various positions, setters, liberos, spikers, etc. Suga is still exhausted by the end of it all, arms and legs like lead and head feeling full of rocks – but he’s starting to feel like maybe this is doable. With enough practice, maybe he’ll never be as good as Daichi, but he’ll be okay. Good enough at least for his plan to work, and that’s all he really needs.

                The next few days run much the same, still tiring Suga to the bones, but doable. Daichi and Asahi come and sit with him at lunch, and they’ll tell him about their volleyball teams in middle school. Apparently they went to two different schools nearby, but their volleyball teams held practice matches together regularly and the two got to know each other.

                When they asked about his old school, Suga tried his best to be vague, just making it sound like any other normal middle school. He said his parents had to move for work, so that’s why he ended up going here. They seemed to buy it, much to Suga’s relief, and went back to telling anecdotes about their own experiences. He smiled to himself as he listened to Daichi tease Asahi about the time one of the referees thought he was one of the player’s parents and tried to kick him off the court until his coach stepped in. He laughed along a little, more focused on the sound of Daichi’s warm, deep laugh as Asahi’s ears started burning in embarrassment.


	7. Coach Ukai's Decision

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone,
> 
> Sorry this is a day late (I was procrastinating :P), here is the next chapter. The next one will be out on time, I promise (I've got a lot more free time this week for writing :D)
> 
> Have fun reading (not too much fun though :P)
> 
> nightshade

                Morning practice was coming to a close, and as usual Suga felt like he was about to pass out. Any rest he’d managed to accumulate over the weekend had officially run out, and each morning he woke up, limbs still aching from the day before. But he still got up, got ready and walked to school, meeting Asahi and a smiling Daichi at the school gates as they walked in together, ready for practice.

                Coach Ukai called everyone in ten minutes earlier than usual, and Suga wasn’t complaining (frankly neither was anyone else). While they stood there, catching their breath or guzzling away at their water bottles (Suga trying very hard just to stand up straight without his legs wobbling), the coach began to talk.

                “All right,” he started gruffly, “It seems the lot of you have finally started to shake off the rust from the summer break,” Many of the third and second years groaned at his words, “And I feel like now I’ve had enough time to assess our new players, so starting this afternoon I’m going to have you practice for real,”

                “Azumane-kun,” he began, looking at Asahi who couldn’t help but shrink back a little under the man’s intense gaze, “You’ve got a strong arm, and a decent enough jump – I’m going to have you train with Takahashi and Masamura for a bit, see if we can’t turn you into a more aggressive spiker, eh?” Asahi nodded meekly after the old man spoke, a little nervous about training with the team captain of all people.

                “Sawamura-kun, I like you, you’re a well rounded enough player,” Ukai commented,

                “Thank you, coach,” Daichi beamed under the man’s praise,

                “Yes, well I think you might be best played defensively. We’ve got a few good spikers already, but half these boys still couldn’t receive a ball if I tossed it right too ‘em,” he looked pointedly at a few of the seconds years who tried to make themselves as small as possible, “You’ll be with Shiro’s group,”

                Turning to Suga, he appeared to look thoughtfully at him for a moment, hesitating before speaking,

                “Sugawara-kun, I’ll admit, I doubted you’d still be here at this point, and your lack of experience made you a hard player to gauge,” Ukai stated frankly, a few of the older students snickering or whispering to each other as Suga began to feel the back of his neck burn. “But, you’re still here, and that’s all I can really ask for, and I think perhaps your lack of experience may prove to our advantage,” he continued, silencing the murmurs from the rest of the team. “At the moment, Kurosawa’s our only setter – I was hoping we’d be able to recruit one among the new first years, but it seems that wasn’t the case. I don’t like the thought of having to rely on a completely green setter when the third years leave, so I’ve decided to pair you up with Kurosawa and train you into a setter myself,” Ukai announced, to everyone’s shock.

                Suga wasn’t sure if he should be happy or terrified. The coach actually thought he might have use as a player, his hard work was actually starting to pay off – but one look at Kurosawa’s face told him that he shouldn’t be celebrating yet.

                “Coach, you can’t expect me to waste my time trying to teach some no-hope-“ Kurosawa started complaining, Ukai turning around to stare him down,

                “This is my team Kurosawa, and you’ll spend your time how I see fit. That is, if you’d like to maintain your spot as a starting player?” he cautioned.

                “B-but,” Kurosawa spluttered, “You can’t get rid of me, you wouldn’t have a setter – don’t you think it would be better if I just practice myself, get better for the next tournament-“

                “Don’t get too comfortable Kurosawa – I’ll train the boy myself if I have to,” Ukai warned the third year, “I’d rather have a green setter than a disobedient one,”

                “Yes, coach,” Kurosawa murmured in defeat, staring daggers at Suga when the coach wasn’t looking. Suga wondered if perhaps there was someway out of it. Practising with Kurosawa – alone – was not something that sounded enjoyable, it barely sounded survivable. Maybe it won’t be so bad, maybe if he tries to be friendly with the third year he’ll go easier on him.

                “Suga, Suga!” Daichi whispered in excitement after the coach had dismissed them from practice, rushing over to Suga, pulling Asahi along behind him, “Isn’t this great?!”

                “Uh, yeah...” Suga murmured, not wanting to put a dampener on Daichi’s obvious enthusiasm. Asahi looked a little uncertain as well, but it seemed like more of an excited nervous than a sacred nervous.

                “The coach thought I was a good player,” he enthused, starry-eyed, “Maybe by second year I’ll be a starting player?!”

                “I hope so Daichi, I’m sure you deserve it,” Suga smiled weakly at him, trying to match his happiness but still dreading his future practice sessions with Kurosawa.

                “And hey, you’re gonna be a setter – Isn’t that great too?” Daichi asked, perhaps sensing some of Suga reticence.

                “Uh, I guess,” Suga confessed, “I’m not too sure about practising with Kurosawa-senpai though... I don’t think he likes me very much...”

                “Really?” Daichi asked, Asahi looking at him as if to question how someone could really be that oblivious, “Well... I’m sure he just has to get to know you, I mean I like you well enough - you like Suga too, don’t you Asahi?”

                “U-uh, yeah,” Asahi stammered, suddenly put on the spot. Suga didn’t really notice, still stuck on Daichi’s words, _I like you well enough_... _Stop that!_ Suga cautioned himself, _Daichi’s... Daichi’s not like that – you’ll just cause trouble_.

                “Suga?” Daichi asked, breaking Suga’s train of thought, “Are you coming, we’ll be late for class,”

                “Uh, yeah, coming Daichi!” Suga called after him, jogging to catch up with the two who’d already gotten halfway across the gym before realising Suga hadn’t followed. He noticed Kurosawa smirk and whisper something to Takahashi, both of them laughing as they looked at him. He felt like a lump of hard ice was sitting in his gut as he shied away from them, putting Daichi and Asahi between himself and the third years, as if to protect himself from their eyes. Somehow he doubted that getting along with Kurosawa would be as easy as Daichi seemed to think.

_It must be nice_ , Suga thought wistfully as he walked up to the club room with Daichi and Asahi, who were chatting away to each other about their new positions, _To not have to worry about those kinds of things... if only I were more like Daichi..._


	8. It's Happening Again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello there readers,
> 
> New chapter is here, with ANGST!!!! (also with swearing and some homophobic slurs - this'll probably be a thing, so sorry if you don't like that stuff but it's a homophobia/bullying/angst fic so...)
> 
> Hope you enjoy,
> 
> nightshade

                “Hey Sawamura!” a voice called from the door, “Sensei wants you,” The anonymous student made sure he’d gotten Daichi’s attention before rushing off back to his own life, message passed on and out of his hands.

                “Uh, I guess I’ll go see what that’s about,” Daichi excused himself as he got up and rushed out the door, heading back to his own classroom. Today the three of them were eating at Asahi’s desk, although now it was just Asahi and Suga left. The first few moments were filled with an awkward silence. Both boys were not exactly the most sociable type, Daichi was the one who tended to keep the conversation going and bring the two out of their shells.

                “So,” Asahi started, anxiously looking at Suga for signs that he says something wrong, “How are you liking volleyball so far?”

                “Um, it’s all right I guess,” Suga answered, “I’m still nowhere near as good as you or Daichi though,”

                “Well, the coach must think you have some potential if he’s making you a setter,” Asahi pointed out, flinching when he noticed a flash of discontent in Suga’s face. “Uh, did you not want to be a setter? I know it looks kind of hard, but...”

                “No, no, it’s not that...” Suga reassured him, hesitating before continuing, “I, uh, I just don’t think Kurosawa-senpai likes me very much. I’m not sure he’s going to appreciate having me lumped on him during practices,” They both sat in an awkward silence for a moment, Suga somewhat regretting saying anything and Asahi trying to think of something to reassure Suga.

                “Why do you think he dislikes you?” Asahi wondered out loud, not sure what Kurosawa’s problem might be. Suga stiffened a little, unsure of how to respond.

                “Uh, uh, I don’t know, maybe I’m just not a very likeable person...” Suga tried to explain.

                “Why would you think that?” Daichi’s deep voice came from behind them, causing both to jump in their seats.

                “Daichi!” Suga yelped in exclamation.

                “I can’t imagine anyone disliking you, you always act friendly enough,” Daichi declared, sitting down to resume his lunch, “Who are you talking about?”

                “Uh, no one,” “Kurosawa-senpai,” Asahi’s eyes grew wide as he realised he’d said something he shouldn’t, “Uh, I mean no one...” Daichi was not convinced.

                “Are you still worried about Kurosawa-senpai?” Daichi asked, turning to face the guilty looking Suga, “I told you, I’m sure you just have to get to know him. Maybe he just comes off a bit scary at first – kinda like Asahi!” Asahi started fretting over Daichi’s joke as he laughed, trying to reassure the boy that he wasn’t all that scary looking. Suga just smiled along, hoping Daichi wouldn’t return to the subject. Daichi was too optimistic, too positive, too good. He didn’t want to drag him down into his own problems.

 

                *******

 

                For the first half hour of practice that afternoon the team warmed up as normal, laps, stretches etc. And as had become normal, Daichi and Asahi made sure to stay with Suga, Daichi specifically. But eventually the point Suga was dreading came, and the coach ordered them all to split into individual practice. Daichi could tell Suga was nervous, he was wringing his hands and kept looking around the court every now and again, as if paranoid of something. So he decided to stay with Suga as long as he could, walking with him over to where Kurosawa and the coach were waiting before going off to join his own group.

                Suga stood stock still, barely hearing any of the coach’s instructions, focus entirely on Kurosawa who was standing there languidly, not a care in the world. He thought, at least for a moment, perhaps it wouldn’t be so bad. Maybe Kurosawa had forgotten all about whatever beef he had with him and was just going to treat him like anyone else on the team. Unfortunately that hope was quickly dashed once the coach was gone.

                “Don’t get too comfortable pansy,” Kurosawa sneered at Suga as he watched the coach walk over to Takahashi’s group, “I’ve got no interest in wasting my time on some wimp like you. Just stay out of my way and try to look busy,” Kurosawa instructed before sauntering off to start rifling through volleyballs, eventually plucking one out and starting to toss it up in the air.

                Suga just meekly wandered over to the same volleyball cart, picking out a ball at random and walking a bit away from Kurosawa before trying to mimic his actions in the hope that it looked like he was doing something productive. Soon all of his focus was on tossing the ball up and down, bouncing it on his fingers for just a few moments before launching it back up again. Just as he felt maybe he was starting to get a rhythm going, he managed to fumble, dropping the ball and having it roll halfway across the court.

                A tad embarrassed, Suga quickly dashed across to retrieve the ball, trying to ignore Kurosawa’s cackling. The ball ended up stopping near Daichi’s group, Daichi noticing and picking up the ball to give to Suga. He handed the ball over, smiling and telling Suga he was doing a good job. Suga just kind of blanched a little at the compliment, taking the ball from his hands and shifting awkwardly on his feet.

                “Oi, first year!” Kurosawa called indignantly, tearing Suga away from Daichi, “Get back over here – Now!” Suga quickly thanked Daichi, jogging back over with dread as he tried to figure out what Kurosawa wanted now after having effectively ignored him up until this point.

                “What do you think you’re doing over there, chatting away like a bunch of chicks?” he spat, “What if Coach saw, he’d probably blame me or something – I’m not taking the heat from Coach just because you’re to fucking weak to toss a ball around for twenty minutes,” Suga just shrank back in on himself, silently berating himself for thinking this would be that easy. He just hoped Kurosawa would just let it go and go back to whatever he was doing.

                “What’s someone like him doing getting all friendly with some faggy runt like you for anyway?” he asked condescendingly, “Hehe, is that it? You been suckin’ him off at lunch just so you can pretend to have real friends or something?” Suga winced, both at the venom in Kurosawa’s voice and at the fact that he was beginning to get uncomfortably close to the truth. Perhaps he shouldn’t have winced, or maybe his face gave it away. Whatever it was, Kurosawa saw something.

                “Fuck, you are, aren’t ya? Of course you are, fucking fag!” Kurosawa spat, face a mixture of victory and disgust.

                “What? No, no I’m not- I wouldn’t-“ Suga started babbling, breathing starting to become shallower as he panicked. What was happening? How? He’d been so careful, hadn’t he? “No, please I-“

                “Stay away from me, you disgusting freak!” Kurosawa sneered, throwing his volleyball hard at Suga, hitting him in the gut, “Let’s see what the rest of the team thinks when they find out there’s a fucking fag on the team,” Suga felt the rest of the world start to grow hazy. He wasn’t sure if he was nauseous from the ball to the gut or the fact that Kurosawa knew. Kurosawa knew, and he was going to tell everyone. He was going to tell Asahi, and Daichi, and everyone would hate him again.

                Running out of the gym, Suga only just reached a bin before throwing up inside. He leaned over the bin, shuddering with panic, unsure what to do. Tears had started to fall from his eyes – everything was over. By the time he’d gone back Kurosawa could’ve told everyone, if he hadn’t everyone would know by the end of the day. It wouldn’t take long until it spread to the whole school. He couldn’t run away this time, he’d only just got here, he couldn’t do that to his parents again. What was he going to do?

                Desperate and on the verge of having some kind of panic attack, Suga ran. He sprinted for all his legs were worth, jagged breaths tearing at his throat as he ran out of the school gates, heading home. His parents weren’t home when he got there, so he quickly unlocked the door with the spare key they’d put under a nearby plant pot, slamming the door behind him. He collapsed back against the closed door, sliding to the ground as hot salty tears began streaking down his cheeks. He brought his hands to his eyes, sobs wracking his body as he slowly became numb. After about an hour of silently crying his eyes out he managed to stand up, wander upstairs to his room and flop into bed, falling asleep. Perhaps it was just some nightmare, he would wake and find it had never happened. Perhaps it wasn’t, but maybe if he went to sleep he could just never have to wake up.


	9. Middle School Again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone,
> 
> Sorry for not updating on Sunday, I've been hella busy with uni lately and just didn't have the time/energy D:  
> Don't worry though, most of my uni stuff is finished up now. I might post another chapter this week if I can to make up for it, but either way here is the latest chapter!
> 
> Hope you enjoy,
> 
> nightshade

                The next morning Suga refused to leave the bed, telling his parents he was sick. They seemed a little dubious, but apparently decided to leave him be. His mother came past his room before she left, his father having already headed off to work.

                “Are you sure you’re okay sweetheart? You don’t need anything?” she asked softly, looking anxiously at the bundle of blankets on the bed.

                “N-no, it’s just a cold,” Suga’s muffled voice came out from underneath, “I’ll be better soon,” he tried to reassure her, throwing in a fake cough to try and sell the lie.

                “Well, okay...” his mother replied sadly, “There’s some leftovers in the fridge if you get hungry, and call your father or I if you feel any worse,” When Suga didn’t respond she quietly closed the bedroom door again, sighing as she went downstairs to get her things before heading off to work.

                Once he’d heard the front door close Suga felt a little bit of relief, just a little. He didn’t like lying to his parents, but he didn’t know what else to do. He couldn’t tell them, tell them that it had only been a few weeks and he’d already ruined everything. That they’d moved towns and jobs for him, only to screw it up because he wasn’t normal enough. What’s worse is that they’d tell him it wasn’t his fault, they’d try and fix it for him, they’d have to go through all that trouble because of him. He couldn’t do that. But he didn’t know what other option there was, besides go back to school and nothing was going to make him do that.

                By now he was sure that everyone probably knew. Kurosawa wouldn’t have wasted any time telling the rest of the team, and it would have only spread from there. Tears started to well up again when he thought about what Daichi would think, what if Kurosawa said all those things to him, made him think that Suga was some kind of terrible monster. Would he be angry? Disgusted? ... Scared? The more he thought about it the more he hated himself, he’d done this to himself, he hadn’t been good enough. Why couldn’t he just be like everyone else?

                Smothered under layers of blankets in bed, eyes prickling with the strain of holding back tears, he couldn’t help but think back to middle school and how stupid he’d been. At first he hadn’t even realised, didn’t know he was different, weird, some kind of freak. Sure he’d always gotten along better with girls when he was little, adults would always joke he was some kind of miniature playboy, hanging out with all the girls at lunchtime instead of playing with the boys. As they’d gone into middle school though, it wasn’t as easy. He kept getting the feeling something wasn’t right anymore. People would still say those things, and something made him want to tell them they were wrong. He liked girls but, he wouldn’t do those kinds of things – that was rude and... and just wrong.

                Before he knew it though, everyone else was acting like that. He would overhear boys talking about girls during gym class. His female friends would chat about which boys they thought were cute. It never really interested him, it just made him kind of uncomfortable, until in his third year they got a new student. He was some foreign exchange student, from somewhere in Europe, and all the girls seemed enamoured with him, much to many of the boys’ irritation. But when Suga looked at him he wondered how anyone could bear him any kind of ill will.

                He thought the boy was probably the most beautiful person he’d ever seen. During class he would catch himself staring at him, no longer paying attention to the teacher and not sure how long he’d been out of it. Whenever the boy walked past his desk, he would feel a flutter of butterflies in his abdomen. Once, when he’d accidentally bumped into him, the boy had apologised, speaking with an intoxicating accent Suga thought he could probably listen to forever.

                One day, he’d been eating lunch with a few of his friends and they’d gotten on to the topic of boys again. For the first time though Suga felt like he actually had something to contribute, so when the subject of the foreigner came up, Suga took his chance to chime in with their sighed adoration. He can’t even remember what it was that he said now... probably something stupid about his hair. All he remembers is the girls turning to look at him weirdly for a moment before one of them started laughing, assuming he’d been making some kind of joke, the others soon joining in. He remembers laughing along with them, trying to cover up the sliver of ice he felt slipping in between his guts at their response. He’d done something wrong, but he didn’t know what.

                He continued to adore the boy from afar, making sure not to say anything again when the topic of boys came up with his friends, too scared of repeating whatever mistake he’d made last time. The school year began to come to a close, and Suga heard from the whispers of the girls around him that the foreign exchange student was going back home soon. Suga was saddened by the thought, although he wasn’t really sure why, all he did was look at the boy – they’d never even spoken more than that one time. That afternoon though, they both ended up on cleaning duty together, Suga taking the place of a girl who’d gone home sick.

                Alone in the classroom with the boy after school, Suga tried to focus on cleaning but kept getting distracted by watching the boy sweep. The way he moved, somehow he even made something like sweeping a broom look incredible.

                “Um,” the boy asked awkwardly, snapping Suga out of his daze, making him blush with embarrassment, “I, uh, I was wondering... did I do something wrong to you or something?

                “What?” Suga asked, confused.

                “It’s just, you’re always staring at me, I thought maybe I’d done something rude or...” the boy explained awkwardly, “I’m still learning about Japan, so I’m sorry if I did something wrong without realising-“

                “No!” Suga stopped him, “No you didn’t do anything wrong, I promise,”

                “Then, why are you always staring at me?” the boy asked, unsure of what other reason there might be.

                “Well because... you know,” Suga tried to explain, ears turning red with embarrassment, “You’re kind of pretty, and you seem, um, nice. I just thought... I don’t know, um, I’m sorry if I bothered you, I won’t do it any more,” Suga tried to go back to cleaning, feeling the awkward tension building and wanting it to stop, but the boy just looked at him with a weird look on his face that Suga couldn’t place.

                “Pretty?” the boy asked, Suga flinching a little at the slight edge of anger in his voice, “You stare at me all the time because you think I’m _pretty_?!” Shrinking back a little, Suga wasn’t really sure what the boy was so upset about. Was being pretty that bad? Maybe it was a foreigner thing?

                “Ugh, I’d heard that Japan was supposed to be into like tentacles and weird stuff, but I didn’t think it was true,” Suga looked at the boy, not sure what he was talking about, “Stay away from me, you pervert!” he cried, throwing the broom at Suga before running out of the room and leaving Suga there to finish cleaning everything.

                He’d been so confused, he hadn’t known what was happening at first. When he’d gone to school the next day he’d planned to apologise to the boy. He didn’t know what he’d done wrong, but maybe if he said sorry anyway it would be okay. But when he’d gotten there everyone had already found out. It didn’t take him long to learn what he’d done wrong. The boy was gone by the end of the week, his stay in Japan finished, but it was too late. His friends wouldn’t talk to him anymore, the boys refused to change in the same locker room as him, so he had to wait until they were all finished. Some of the teachers began to look at him weirdly, they’d ignore it whenever someone called him names or pushed him in the halls.

                It had been terrible. He heard all the horrible things they’d said, he realised they were true. He liked that boy, more than he was supposed to. He wasn’t like other boys, he was some kind of freak girl-boy, he wasn’t normal, he was disgusting. He’d done something horrible to that boy, staring at him like that was wrong, and disgusting just like everyone said, that’s why he’d been mad.

                His parents didn’t find out until graduation, he’d tried to hide how bad of a son he was. He’d thought they’d be too busy to come to the closing ceremony, but they’d come to surprise him. They’d seen the truth, that everyone else despised him, he was disgusting, he wasn’t fit to be their son. Afterwards they’d sat him down, made him tell them what had happened. He’d been so scared, scared that once they knew what he’d done they’d hate him too. They’d probably kick him out, abandon him, what good was a son like him anyway. He just remembers crying, so much crying, and his mother and father hugging him, telling him it was okay.

                It was only later that he’d begged to go to a different high school. He wasn’t sure if they would listen, but he couldn’t go back, see all the same people again, live like that for three more years. He wanted to start anew. He would be different this time, he wouldn’t make the same mistakes. He would be a son that his parents could be proud of, he would have proper friends, and then grow up and get married and have kids, just like he was supposed to. He just had to try harder.

                Tears poured down Suga’s face, pressed into his stained pillow to try and staunch the flow. He’d failed. He would never make his parents proud, would never have normal friends, or a normal life. He’d tried so, so hard, but still he’d failed. Maybe he couldn’t win, maybe this was just his life. He should just accept it, wouldn’t that be easier. Just give up.

                The doorbell sounded.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Also, sorry for leaving you on such an cliffhanger ending and then not updating :P )


	10. Last Happy Memory

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my lovely readers,  
> Oooh the angst is REAL :D  
> Next chapter we'll find out more about what has unfolded
> 
> Hope you enjoy,
> 
> nightshade

                Suga tried to ignore the sound, burying himself further into the blankets. It was probably just the mailman, or a neighbour or something. They could come back later when his parents were here.The doorbell kept ringing however, along with the occasional knocking. Irritation finally going over the edge, Suga rolled off of the bed, pulling half the covers with him, and made his way out of his bedroom and downstairs. He stood at the door, hoisting the blankets back up around him before he opened it, preparing himself to have to deal with some overzealous public servant or something.

                He unlocked the door, swinging it open, just as Daichi was about to try knocking again. As soon as Suga saw him, his eyes shot open and he made to slam the door shut again. Why was he here? Didn’t he already know? Couldn’t he even wait until he came back to school before tormenting him? Daichi realised what Suga was going to do, sticking his foot in the door just as Suga slammed in shut.

                Yelping in pain, Daichi withdrew his throbbing foot but pressed himself up against the door before Suga could close it again.

                “Wait! Suga, what’s wrong?” Daichi asked, confused about why the boy was so desperate to close the door on him. He’d been knocking for almost five minutes and had started to get worried that the neighbours might be getting suspicious, but after yesterday and now Suga not showing up for school, Daichi had been worried.

                “G-Go away!” Suga yelled, trying to push the door closed as more tears threatened to fall. He knew the others would hate him, but he couldn’t stand the thought of Daichi looking at him with the same look of disgust. The thought drew a harsh sob out of his mouth as he struggled to keep the door closed, but Daichi was far stronger. It only took a few seconds before Daichi had pushed the door open far enough to slip in before it was slammed behind him.

                “I-I, I told you to go away!” Suga shuddered, trying to look for a way out of this, “I-I can’t – Not you, please,”

                “Suga, what’s wrong?” Daichi asked, voice thick with worry as he noticed Suga’s reddened eyes and skittish movements, “I thought maybe you were just sick...” he trailed off, clearly staring to become distressed himself by Suga’s own panic, “Are you okay? What’s wrong?” He gripped Suga by the shoulders, trying to get him to calm down and explain himself, but Suga just went limp and began sobbing.

                He wasn’t sure if he was crying out of fear or relief, perhaps both. Daichi wasn’t yelling at him, or treating him different – didn’t he know. He’d thought by now it would have gotten around most of the school, or at least the volleyball team. Kurosawa didn’t seem particularly subtle. But Suga realised bitterly that even if Daichi didn’t know now, it would only be a matter of time.

                Thoughts of Kurosawa came to him, they way he’d looked at him with disgust. He realised with a jolt that he’d said something about Daichi too – what if he told other people Daichi was gay? Is that why Daichi didn’t know, was he part of it all? Suga tried to push Daichi off of him – either way, if Daichi kept hanging around him people would begin to talk. He had to get him to leave before that could happen.

                “You shouldn’t be here,” Suga rasped, “It’s – It’s bad for you to be near me,”

                “What are you talking about? Suga?” Daichi tried to bat away Suga’s insistent pushing towards the door, “Are you contagious or something?” He still seemed confused as to why Suga was so agitated. “Are you feeling okay? Are you home alone?” he asked, “I think maybe you’re just a bit confused, you might have a fever,”

                He brushed off Suga’s hands as if they were nothing, leading him into the living room and over to the couch,

              “Here, lie down,” he said, guiding Suga to lie down on the couch, “I’ll get you a glass of water, I’ll be right back okay,” Daichi wandered out of the room, looking for the kitchen. Suga heard him opening the cupboards looking for a glass while he pulled his cocoon of blankets tighter around him. He tried to calm down, it was almost funny – the more he tried to get rid of Daichi the more determined the boy seemed to want to stay. _No one will know_ , he reasons with himself, _I should just enjoy it – the last time before Daichi hates me_...

                Glass of water in hand, Daichi returned to the living room, bringing it over to Suga and helping him drink. He didn’t need any help, he was perfectly capable, but he’d be lying if he said he didn’t enjoy Daichi’s hands on his, guiding the glass of water to his mouth, brushing his hair back off his forehead to check for a fever.

                “You don’t feel like you have a fever,” Daichi mumbled, “Maybe you were just a little dehydrated, have you eaten anything today?” Suga shook his head guiltily, Daichi’s face showing his concern. He clicked his tongue, going back to the kitchen to find the leftovers Suga’s mother had left for him. After heating them up in the microwave, he brought it out and fed it to Suga, blowing on each mouthful before feeding it to him.

                Suga wanted to cry. He felt so happy, Daichi looking after him like this, and he hated it. Hated that this was what made him happy. This was the problem in the first place – why couldn’t he have just been like everyone else? This was just a final moment of happiness before he’d have to go back to school and face everyone, face Daichi once he’d learnt the truth. He hated knowing that even though this made him happy, once Daichi found out he’d probably think it was disgusting, hate this memory that he had.

                When a few tears did start falling down Suga’s cheeks, Daichi put down the plate in a panic, asking what was wrong. Suga just shook his head, letting the tears trickle down his face, collecting at his chin while Daichi rushed to go find some tissues or something. By the time he came back Suga had fallen asleep, snuggled into the collection of blankets, cheeks red and tear stained.

                Suga woke blearily some time later, vaguely hearing voices in the other room. He heard his mother, and what sounded like Daichi’s voice, but he was too tired to really concentrate. The next thing he remembered was his mother shaking him gently, leading him upstairs to his own bed and tucking him in. She kissed him gently on the forehead, whispering something to him, although he wasn’t sure what, before she quietly left the room, letting him fall back into a dreamless sleep.


	11. Be A Good Kouhai

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys,
> 
> Latest chapter is here, and wow are things taking a turn for the dark so, you know - WARNING: be careful. I don't really know how to tag this other than maybe just bullying, like hardcore bullying slash maybe blackmail? I guess maybe just read it and find out. I know it's a little dark, but hey, it's angst.
> 
> Hope you enjoy, 
> 
> nightshade

          Suga stared at his phone screen. Four thirty in the morning – the sun had only just begun to rise! This is what he gets for going to sleep in the middle of the afternoon. _I’ll have to go to school today_ , he thinks to himself, dropping the phone to his side. In the early hours of the morning, still half asleep, he feels disconnected from it – it’s like it’s happened to someone else. _If I fake being sick for a second day they’ll probably take me to a doctor_ , Suga reasoned, remembering how concerned his mother had seemed yesterday.

          He vaguely recalled hearing his mother speaking, along with Daichi’s voice, but he can’t remember it clearly – it was most likely just a dream. As a matter-of-fact, he wouldn’t be surprised if Daichi coming over at all was just a dream – his subconscious wanting to spend one last day with his new friend before he became a pariah again. Already his mother could be heard stirring, his father still dead asleep on his day off. Yet another reason why staying home was probably not the best plan.

          The real question now was whether or not to go to volleyball practice, or to skip it and go straight to school. On the one hand, he didn’t want to have to deal with Daichi or Asahi – or Kurosawa for that matter. But on the other, his mother might question why he was suddenly not going to morning practice if he was well – and even if she didn’t, he didn’t relish the idea of stewing in his bed for the next couple of hours dreading what was to come. Better to test the waters before diving in. If practice was really _that_ bad, he could just skip school he figured.

          Yawning weakly, he rolled out of bed, shrugging off his cocoon of blankets and made his way across the hall to the bathroom. His mother had just finished having her shower, so the bathroom was thankfully still warm and a little steamy. His mother gave him an appraising look as she passed him in the hallway. He smiled weakly at her, hoping it didn’t look too forced, to tell her that he was better now and that she didn’t need to worry.  
It was only once he got in the shower, hot water pelting down on his soft skin, near scalding it a flushed pink, that tears began to trickle down his face again. Apparently his apathetic reprieve was over and he was back in the land of the living again, quickly realising exactly what he might be walking into today.

          “I-It’s okay Koushi,” Suga tried to reassure himself in a quiet voice, muffled by the sound of the water, “You can do this, yo-... you don’t need other people, you’ll be fine alone,” The tears started drying up as he broke into soft heaving sobs, “In another three years, you might even get another chance to start again,” _Three years_ , the words echoed in his mind, three years of loneliness and isolation, of being bullied both verbally and physically. Why was he so bad at this? Why couldn’t he have done better? Maybe if he’d just tried a bit harder... but he had. He’d tried _so hard_ – harder than he’d ever tried at anything in his whole life, all for it to be torn away in a single moment by that sneering Kurosawa, looking so smug with himself that he’d managed to out the new kid.

          Breakfast was a sombre affair, he and his mother ate in relative silence – his mother flipping through documents while she ate and Suga just not feeling particularly talkative. He’d checked his face in the bathroom mirror after his shower, making sure you couldn’t tell he’d been crying. The cold rice sat in his stomach as he walked to practice. He started to think, maybe he could just wait for everyone to go to the gym and slip into the club room, grab any of the stuff he’d left there and then run before any of the club members realised he was there.

          His dreary pace had already made him a few minutes late, and as he walked in the school gates he noticed a few of the second years entering the gym. When he got to the club room, he realised that no one else was there – were they already all at the gym? Suddenly the idea of grabbing his stuff and running was looking a whole lot more appealing. Closing the door behind him, he went over to where he’d left his stuff – a spare change of clothes, a small towel and a few other sports accessories he’d bought – but his duffel bag wasn’t there. Had someone moved it?

          Looking around the room, picking up bags and opening the few lockers searching for his stuff, Suga didn’t notice Kurosawa enter the room until he cleared his throat.

          “My my, what do we have ‘ere?” he drawled as Suga turned, startled by the boy’s sudden appearance, “Going through your senpai’s things – not very good behaviour for a kouhai,”

          “I-I w-was just looking f-for my stuff,” Suga tried to defend himself, unnerved by Kurosawa’s cockiness, memories of their last encounter surfacing in Suga’s mind.

          “Oh, you mean this?” Kurosawa lifted up one of the bags he was carrying, Suga immediately recognising it as his own duffel bag, “Took it home with me the other day, figured I’d keep ot safe until ya got back,” He chucked the bag at Suga, who caught it with a grunt.

          “Um, th-thank you?” Suga replied cautiously. Despite his more reserved words, Kurosawa was dripping with arrogance and malice, making Suga suspicious.

          “Even gave you a gift, ain’t you a lucky kouhai?” Kurosawa declared, nearly vibrating with anticipation as Suga started to unzip the duffel bag. As soon as it was even half open, Suga recoiled, nose wrinkling violently. Unzipping it all the way, Suga put the bag down and reached for his spare shirt, only to pull his hand back. Bringing his damp hand to his nose he sniffed it cautiously, gagging as the acrid scent of urine assaulted him.

          “What?” Kurosawa cackled, “I thought fags were into that kinda shit – you should be thankful,” Suga bit his tongue out of fear – better not to let him bait him, just take whatever he’s going to do with a straight face, and eventually he’ll get bored and leave. “And you should be thankful by the way – that’s only the second favour I’ve done ya,”

          Suga eyed Kurosawa anxiously, wracking his brain to figure out what else Kurosawa might be planning, while simultaneously not wanting to know.

          “Wh-wha-?” Suga began n to stammer

          “What did I do for ya? Well, ya see,” Kurosawa strode over to where Suga was squatted in front of his duffel bag. When he tried to stand, the older boy put his foot firmly on Suga’s chest, stopping him from rising, “I may have kept ya little secret – for now anyway,”

          The words shot like ice through Suga’s body and mind – kept his secret, you mean he didn’t tell anyone that he was gay? Is that why Daichi didn’t know anything when he came over yesterday.

          “That’s right,” Kurosawa cawed gleefully as he watched Suga’s face flash with various conflicting emotions, “Our little secret, you little fag – But! Only as long as you stay an obedient little fag, got it?” Suga looked up at Kurosawa’s glinting eyes, despite his repugnance, he got the impression he was telling the truth. Or at least he hoped. Everything wasn’t lost, if he could make sure Kurosawa didn’t tell anyone... he could still be friends with Daichi and Asahi, he could still play volleyball, he wouldn’t disappoint his parents again. All he’d have to do is deal with Kurosawa for the rest of the year, then he’d graduate and be gone. Considering a few minutes ago he thought he’d be dealing with the entire school for three years, it was a big step up.

          Kurosawa was still looking down at him expectantly. Still feeling a little unsteady, Suga just nodded meekly, Kurosawa’s face splitting into a terrifying grin. He took his foot off of Suga’s chest, Suga sighing out slightly in relief, only to have the foot shoved in his face, the shoes smelling a little although the lingering reek of urine overpowered it.

          “Lick it.” Kurosawa ordered, Suga looking up at him, shocked and confused. “Lick it,” he reiterated, pressing the toes of his shoe against Suga’s lips, “Or maybe I’ll go tell Sawamura-san that I caught you sniffing his dirty gym gear. Suga stiffened, swallowing back fear and dread. Shuddering, Suga slightly parted his lips and stuck out the tip of his tongue, barely letting it graze Kurosawa’s shoe before turning away and spitting on the ground to try and get rid of the taste.

          In the meanwhile, Kurosawa just took his foot back, bending over laughing,

          “Oh my god, I can’t believe you actually did it! How fucking perverted are you, you gross faggot?” he got over his fit of laughter while Suga stayed on the ground, face burning and stomach roiling at the humiliation over what he’d just done. “Probably fucking loved it, maybe if ya lucky I’ll let you do it again some time – Later fag,” Kurosawa waved, strolling out of the club room and leaving Suga to deal with his bag full of urine soaked clothes.  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> P.S. Sorry if there are any weird formatting errors in this chapter, my PC is refusing to connect to the internet, so I had to upload it from my tablet (which was a PAIN)  
> If there are any problems, I'll try and fix them as soon as my computer stops being stupid :P


	12. Dealing With Kurosawa

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys,
> 
> I know this fic is kinda getting a little dark, I hope you don't mind too much. I'm still very much debating with myself just how far I want Kurosawa to go...  
> On another note, I may not be able to update until next weekend (I might, but no promises :P). I have to start writing my thesis unfortunately, I've got less than a month left and I've barely started D:
> 
> Hope you enjoy,
> 
> nightshade

                Suga took the bag of soiled clothes, hurrying out of the club room and downstairs before anyone could see him. He stashed the bag in some bushes behind the gym, figuring he could come back for them later. There was no way he could let anyone find them, they’d start asking all kinds of questions he couldn’t answer. He could feel tears prickling behind his eyes, blinking forcefully to try and quash them down. The taste of Kurosawa’s shoe still stuck to his tongue, bitter like dirt, his stomach lurching nauseously as he remembered the humiliation of it all.

                _It’s okay_ , he thought to himself, covering the bag up with leaves and sticks to make sure no one would spot it by accident, _He can’t do anything around the others, not without giving anything away – and then he wouldn’t be able to threaten me with it_. He tried not to think that even if everyone knew, Kurosawa would still probably do it, only now everyone else would join in as well. What about Asahi, or Daichi? Would they make him do horrible things like that? He couldn’t imagine it, they both seemed like such nice people, but if they found out he’d been lying to them all this time...

                Hurrying into the gym, he stood silently while the coach reprimanded him for running out last time, and for being late today. His absence yesterday seemed to soften the scolding a little, the coach apparently assuming he’d been ill or something, telling him that in future he had to inform him if he was feeling unwell. After apologising more than a half a dozen times, Coach Ukai directed Suga over to where Kurosawa was practising setting to Takahashi.

                Walking over, Suga noticed Daichi and Asahi with some of the second years doing stretches. Daichi waved eagerly at him, while Asahi smiled meekly before turning back to the exercise. A quick glance in Kurosawa’s direction revealed a disgusted sneer, wiping away any trace of a smile that might have started to appear on Suga’s face. Hurrying over to him, lest he do something else, Kurosawa greeted Suga with an unneeded reminder,

                “Hope you dealt with your mess, wouldn’t want to come back to a locker room reeking of piss,” he hissed, quietly enough that Takahashi couldn’t hear from where he was standing, “Maybe you might, but I sure as hell don’t want to have to put up with that,”

                “I-I got r-rid of it,” Suga stammered, wilting under Kurosawa’s dominating presence.

                “Good, now make yourself useful for once in your life and pass me balls to toss,” he ordered, returning to his position. Suga grabbed volleyballs out from the cart, passing them to Kurosawa so he could set them to Takahashi, who would then spike them over the net with a series of resounding blows. When the cart started getting empty, Kurosawa told him to go pick up all the ones lying around.

               Just when he was almost done, he was suddenly on the floor, the wind knocked out of him as he gasped for breath. His side stung and he couldn’t hear anything other than a high pitched ringing in his ears. As it faded he heard Kurosawa’s snickering.

                “Don’t get in the way of my spikes, runt,” he heard Takahashi say coldly, “Are you going to get up today, or do I need to call mummy to come pick you up?” Kurosawa was still laughing as Suga struggled to rise to his feet, legs still wobbling. He could still feel where the volleyball had hit him. It was almost certainly going to produce a massive bruise down his side.

                “You want to keep going?” Takahashi asked, turning to Kurosawa.

                “Nah, let the girl pick up all the balls for a bit, I gotta go and piss,” Kurosawa replied, noticing Suga flinch a little, “Don’t worry, I’ll tell you all about it when I get back,” Kurosawa cooed in a demeaning baby voice before walking towards the gym doors.

                “Pfft, fag,” Takahashi snorted, Suga going still for a moment until he realised he was still talking to Kurosawa.

                “Fuck off,” Kurosawa retorted, pulling the finger at the captain as he walked away. He got a shout from the coach about swearing, but he just let out a halfhearted apology and went on his way. Suga spent his absence picking up the rest of the balls, limping a little from the pain in his side. The few times he looked up he couldn’t see Daichi amongst the group of second years, although he saw Asahi’s head every now and again. He didn’t dare look long with Takahashi watching over him to make sure he wasn’t slacking off.

                By the time he’d finished picking them all up, Kurosawa had come back and was laughing about something with Takahashi. He tried not to think too much about what they were talking about, especially once he noticed Kurosawa side-eyeing him during their conversation.

                Once practice was done Suga rushed out of the gym, heading for the club room right away. Even though he knew Kurosawa wasn’t that stupid, he was still terrified he was going to find his school bag full of urine as well, Kurosawa had been gone awhile. To his relief, everything was as he left it. He heard Kurosawa snicker as he entered the room a few moments later.

                “Sorry, not this time,” Kurosawa mocked, “Maybe if you ask real nice though,”

                Suga turned away, quickly gathering his things so he could leave. Even though he heard the others not that far behind, he didn’t want to spend a second longer in the same room as Kurosawa. As he rushed out the door he bumped into Daichi.

                “Suga,” Daichi exclaimed, “I’m glad you’re feeling better today – you’re not overdoing it are you?”

                “Eh, n-no,” Suga replied, feeling Kurosawa’s gaze, “I, um, have to go. I need to apologise for being absent yesterday before class begins,”

                “Oh, okay,” Daichi said, sounding a little disappointed, “Um, see you at lunch?”

                “Uh, sure,” Suga accepted hesitantly, “But I’ll come to your classroom, okay?”

                “Okay,” Daichi agreed happily, going into to get changed out of his sports gear. Suga rushed off to class, hoping that Kurosawa would be too preoccupied during the day to bother him. If it was just practices, and he made sure there were other people around, it couldn’t be that bad, right? The dull ache in his side disagreed, but he forced himself to try and remain optimistic. Things could have been a whole lot worse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> P.S. Next chapter will hopefully be a bit lighter (i.e. Suga - Daichi interactions rather than Suga - Kurosawa interactions)  
> Also, if you're interested in that kind of thing, I'm participating in Tsukishima Week, albeit a nsfw interpretation - check it out (if you want)! :D


	13. Ownership

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone,
> 
> Sorry for taking so long to update again, I'll try and update on Wednesday as usual. This is getting so dark, like sorry about that :P  
> I'm wondering what you guys think of how I've portrayed the characters, I'm not sure if they're being well developed or if they're just caricatures
> 
> Hope you enjoy, and again, sorry about the wait,
> 
> nightshade

                He felt bad about it, he really did, but there was no way he could see Daichi or Asahi right now. All throughout class he couldn’t help but think about the bag of clothes hidden in the bushes behind the gym. What if someone found them? He’d shoved the bag all the way to the back, behind the small trunks, but it was near the gym – what if someone was chasing a run away ball or something. Could you tell it was his? Was his name on anything? He groaned, even if he hadn’t labelled anything, everyone in the team would know it was his bag, they’d all seen it before.

                Laying his head down on the desk he tried to clear his mind. Becoming panicked about what if’s wasn’t going to help anything. He just needed to try and stay away from Kurosawa as much as he could so that it wouldn’t be so easy for him to pull that kind of stuff. Other than that, he just had to ride the year out and hope for the best.

                “Suga, are you okay?” Suga shot up, wincing at the still aching bruise on his side from where the volleyball had struck him. Daichi was looking at him slightly concerned. Asahi was standing a step behind trying to shrink down behind Daichi to avoid the stares of Suga’s classmates.

                “Um, yes,” Suga replied meekly, “I thought you were going to wait fo-“

                “Ah, sorry, I forgot about that!” Daichi apologised, “When you didn’t show up right away I got worried that maybe you had overworked yourself. Maybe you’re not over your cold yet, I’ll tell Coach Ukai that you were still sick if you wanted to skip practice today?”

 _Cold?_ Suga wondered, _Oh..._ Apparently that’s what Daichi thought had been wrong when he’d come around to his house yesterday, maybe that’s what his mother had told him. He figured he should just let it slide, better than trying to come up with another explanation for his behaviour. He sat awkwardly for a moment, shifting in his chair under Daichi’s scrutiny, trying to figure out how best to respond.

                “O-okay, maybe that would be best,” Suga gave a weak smile, which thankfully seemed to just reinforce Daichi’s suspicions that he was still sick.

                “Do you still want to come have lunch with us, or should I take you to the nurses’ office?” Daichi asked

                “Uh, no that’s alright, I think maybe I’ll just rest here a bit and I should feel better,” Suga answered, earning a disapproving look from Daichi.

                “If you’re tired you could go sleep in the nurses’ office, it must be better than trying to sleep at your desk,” he pointed out

                “No, no, it’s fine! I, um, don’t want to bother her – she probably has more important things to do,” Suga tried to excuse himself. Daichi still seemed unconvinced, but a pat on the shoulder from an uncomfortable Asahi managed to distract him enough to be persuaded into leaving the room.

                Once they had left, Suga sighed with relief. Being around Daichi put him on edge, constantly terrified that he would slip up and either give away what was happening with Kurosawa, or end up giving away his secret all by himself. Letting his head rest on the desk, he closed his eyes and tried to meditate a little on what he was going to do.

                Not going to practice this afternoon was good for two reasons. First, it meant he could avoid Kurosawa. He was not looking to add another bruise already, and even if he wasn’t practising with Takahashi, Suga was sure the setter would come up with some way to mess with him. Secondly, it gave him a chance to dispose of the soiled clothes while no one else was around. Once everyone had gone into the gym for practice, he could sneak over and retrieve his duffel bag from it’s hiding place in the bushes and leave – hopefully without anyone seeing him.

 

                *******

 

                The last of the students were finally pouring out of the school gates, only students going to club activities were still around and most of them had already gone off to club rooms or sports fields. Suga was pretty sure everyone had gone into the gym, counting them off as he’d spied them enter from his hiding spot looking out a window on one of the upper floors. He hurried off, wanting to get the job done with as quickly as possible.

                A few minutes later he was scrambling around in the bushes looking for the bag. With a shudder of relief his hands found one of the straps attached to it, a sharp yank quickly pulling the bag out from the foliage.

                “Tsk tsk tsk, skipping practice are we?” Suga’s blood turned to ice as he heard Kurosawa’s voice behind him, “And what exactly were you planning on doing with your afternoon off, huh fag?”

                “N-nothing – I’m not s-skipping, Coach Uk-kai knows,” Suga stammered, turning around and shrinking back from Kurosawa’s twisted sneer. He tried to hide the bag behind him, even though he knew it was probably too late.

                “Oh, what you got there, huh?” Kurosawa drawled mockingly, kicking the hand gripping onto the strap, making Suga drop the bag as he hissed from the pain. “What kind of fucked up fun were you planning on having? You faggots are fucking disgusting,”

                “I-I wasn’t... I was going t-to-“ Suga tried to explain, but it was clear Kurosawa couldn’t care less what he had to say.

                “I knew it, you’re fucking gay for me aren’t ya you gross little fag!” Kurosawa accused, “You better not try anything freak, or I’ll kick your face in so hard even your mother won’t recognise ya,” he hissed quietly, leaning down to look straight into Suga’s petrified eyes. He gripped Suga’s face in one hand, squeezing his cheeks painfully hard and forcing him to look him in the eye.

                “Just remember fag, you’re only here because I’m lettin’ ya. _I own you_. One step out of line and I’ll tell the whole fucking school your dirty little secret. So if you don’t want that, you better do exactly as I say,” Kurosawa spoke in a cold, unwavering voice as he stared dead into Suga’s eyes. Suga was terrified, he’d never been so terrified in his whole life. He could feel tears starting to prickle just from the pain in his face alone.

                Kurosawa suddenly screwed his face up in disgust and threw Suga into the dirt, eliciting a pained whimper.

                “Ugh, that’s fucking disgusting you filthy fag,” he turned to spit on Suga before walking off leaving him there. It took a moment for Suga to realise the warm trickle running down his leg. He let out a small, hollow sob as he realised he’d wet himself out of sheer terror. He wasn’t even crying, every nerve in his body felt like it had turned to lead, body gone heavy and stiff. His cheeks still ached, and he was sure there must be a hand print bruised into his face. He shuddered at the smell of urine, not from the bag but from him.

 _He’s right_ , Suga thought numbly, _I’m disgusting and filthy, no wonder he’s treating me like this_. He wasn’t sure how much time passed, but it can’t have been too long because the sounds of volleyballs could still be heard coming out of the gym. Suga managed to rise on wobbly legs, shouldering the duffel bag of soiled clothes and heading off in the direction of home.

                Keeping to shadows and shortcuts, Suga managed to make it home without being spotted. How was he supposed to explain that he was walking around in soiled clothes. As soon as he got home he threw all of his soiled clothes from the bag into the washing machine, stripping and adding those clothes as well. Setting the machine to go, he then went straight for the shower, standing under almost scalding hot water until it went cold. He still didn’t feel clean, no matter how hard he scrubbed his skin with soap and water, until it started to turn red and raw, but he still felt dirty.

                Grabbing a pair of boxers and a T-shirt, Suga slipped into bed and tried to fall asleep. The bruises on his side and on his face ached, he still felt like he could smell urine no matter how much air freshener he used. So he just lay there, waiting for the blessed embrace of sleep to strip him of all of his senses, so he wouldn’t have to feel any of it anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> P.S. I don't know why it keeps coming back to urine. No more urine, I promise :P


	14. UPDATE

Hi everyone, nightshade here,

 

You may have noticed I haven't really updated this (or my other fics) for a while, sorry about that. I just finished my uni degree and took that time off to work on my final assessment stuff. Now that I'm done with all that I should have more time to write stuff (if I can actually get off my butt and do it :P ). As for this fic specifically, well, you may have noticed it went from zero to 100 real quick with the dark atmosphere. Some of you have commented on it, and I'm sure there are others who've thought the same. Well I'm with you, I don't really like how I've done this, and additionally I seem to have written myself into a corner that I can't really get out of. _I am not abandoning this fic_. I have a lot of stuff planned for it, in fact it's only the beginning that I hadn't really planned out all that well besides Suga being bullied and one or two other things I didn't get to. Trust me, once it time skips to third year, it's gonna get good son.

The way I see it I am faced with two options, both of which will include me re-writing this fic from the start. The main question is this: how much effort should I spend writing about first year?

I could plan and write out a full story for what happens, that will probably take maybe 15 chapters. Or I could just start in third year and relay all the info about first year as that story progresses. All the key info would still be there, you just wouldn't have all the fleshed out plot and interactions that would have gone with it. Obviously the second option will probably be easier, but I really want this to be good and am more than willing to put the effort in if you guys want a full story arc. So please, tell me in the comments, or message me on [tumblr](http://www.nightshade--19.tumblr.com), whatever, but tell me what you'd prefer. I'll probably wait about a week or so before I make up my mind, at which point I'll start writing. I really want this fic to be good, I think a lot of the plot I have planned has potential to be amazing, even better than the previous KageHina fic.

Thank you guys so much for supporting me and my writing, it means so much and I feel like I'm really growing as a writer. I experimented with some different things with this fic so far and it didn't really work out how I wanted, but that's the only way I'm going to grow.

Thank you for reading,

nightshade


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